32-Man Baseball Team to Take Over the World: Coming May

It was recently discovered that the 34-man baseball team is, in fact, also a militia.

Witnesses, most of whom wish to remain anonymous for fear of their lives, have overheard conversations that lead them to believe that the team will attempt to overtake the college once their numbers reach 50; they expect to hit 60 next year.

“They said they were angry that so many people come to their games,” sobbed Arnold Ballerina, K’09. “If they had just told me to stop coming, I would have.”

For now, the team continues to “practice,” though they can never be found in the gym during their scheduled time. Sources have said they’re hiding out in a room beneath their field, planning their attack.

According to one source, they’re also working on ridding the college of its women’s teams. As a matter of fact, it is actually the baseball team that’s responsible for sabotaging the softball team. Apparently, after being turned down by every single member of the softball team, the baseball team members had had enough.

One baseball player denied the alleged sabotage.

“Any of them would be so giddy to be asked out by one of us, she’d probably trip over her own feet and they wouldn’t have a season anyway,” he said.
Nevertheless, an inside source claims the women’s basketball team better watch their backs.

“They’re trying too hard,” said the source. “They need to learn their places.”

He said that the team is considering letting the volleyball and women’s tennis teams stick around due to the nature of their uniforms, and would think about letting the women swimmers and divers continue if they’ll wear bikinis.

No one knows how long the baseball team has been planning their power surge, though some say it started last year when the coaches holed up in an office one night a week to call “recruits.” Others claim to have seen the team doing practice attacks on each other in the college vans on their way to and from games.

Though none of this information can be substantiated, K students are scared.

“We’ve always been so supportive,” said one. “I can’t believe they would do something like this.”

“We don’t stand a chance,” said another. “Imagine what they can do with all those bats and balls.”

Some students are even contemplating transferring.

“I see them when they come in the weight room,” said a freshman football player. “They’re getting stronger everyday. I just don’t think I can be around when they finally attempt to take over.”

The administration is working hard to keep students at K, claiming they to know nothing about a militia.

Members of the baseball team refused to comment, but they would like to remind students to limit their attendance at games – too much support is dangerous.