The Dimmer: Cross Country Coach or CIA Agent?

There is one member of the Kalamazoo College community whose story is more shrouded by mystery and legend than any other. Although David Dimcheff (codename: The Dimmer) has been a permanent fixture on campus and has wielded great but subtle influence over us all for the past 15 years as the Men’s and Women’s Cross Country coach, little about him is known. The Dimmer is extremely careful to reveal very little about his identity, and it has only been through meticulous and persistent investigation that anything about him or the myths in which his character is wrapped are able to be reported.

Most of what is known that The Dimmer involves his many highly developed talents and interests:

1. The Dimmer studied Political Science while attending the University of Michigan as world-class athlete of Cross Country and Track.
2. The Dimmer speaks fluent Mandarin Chinese and spent several years in Vietnam and China following college. He still returns to East Asia on for occasional “visits” to this day.
3. The Dimmer is extremely interested in United States history and current events. He shows a special curiosity toward international campaigns and trends of the global economy.
4. The Dimmer is a host of the WMU radio station, WIDR, and has a great acumen of knowledge regarding music and broadcasting.
5. The Dimmer claims that the bulk of his workday is spent at Kalsec Inc., a local spice company, where he “rides the spice bike” in order to “power the spice grinder.”

From these few leaks of information regarding The Dimmer much speculation has arisen. The information has been analyzed and hypotheses have been formulated about the true nature of the man. To most Dimmer researchers the surface level information appears inconsistent. Why does a man with such intricate understanding of global politics and a spectacular physique ride a spice bike for a living?

The leading hypothesis set forth by Dimmer investigators is that The Dimmer is a covert agent of the Central Intelligence Agency. What other explanation could make sense of his extreme personal privacy, his unexplained international trips, and his expertise in communications? Could K College’s beloved coach actually be an international spy for the federal government and its allies?

Some suspicious cover stories have been used to deflect penetrating inquiry into his life. For instance, no one is ever permitted to see The Dimmer’s apartment because he is always about to clean it. This seems about as likely as the description he offers of his job with Kalsec. Need we suspect that Kalsec itself is the cover for an operation that harbors other powerful agents like the Dimmer?

It may be that the full truth about the Dimmer will never be revealed. We can only continue to seek intelligence so that light may be shed on this legendary figure. If you happen to encounter the Dimmer, do not be swayed in your interrogation by his renowned oratory and persuasive skills. Do not allow him to change the conversation topic to Michigan football or Great Depression II. Do not be intimidated by the power of his beard. We must push past his defenses and delve into his wily mind so that we may know the Dimmer better.